Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
