We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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