there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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