My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
