i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize