She said her name was "party"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
