There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize