i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
dude. I can hear the air.
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