Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Hippo gnu deer
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
