captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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