I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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