Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
