good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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