Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
