im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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