I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
It's Friday. Sex?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
time to smoke my breakfast
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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