whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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