So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
