i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
