On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
