I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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