Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
