Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
