well I can't set my house on fire every night
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Randomize
