he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
