I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
