Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
