Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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