Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
