i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
