I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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