I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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