The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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