You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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