I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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