i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I forgot wine drunk hurts
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
