I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
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