i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
