I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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