I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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