The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
