I accidentally burped into my bong.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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