If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
