Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
