someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Is it because I queefed?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Randomize
