I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize