my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
