Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
