Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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