I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
