Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize