She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
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