I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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