I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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