Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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