My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
