Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Randomize
